


is that okay?

by privebaek



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Slice of Life, taeyong doesn’t understand his feelings at all, yutae
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:47:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23472703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/privebaek/pseuds/privebaek
Summary: a voice that began sounding quite similar to that of his friends drifted in and out of taeyong's ears, bounced around on the insides of his brain and knocked against the walls of his skull.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	is that okay?

**Author's Note:**

> not beta-ed. uh it’s 6am so yeah....
> 
> twitter: tyongbaek, come say hi!!

_"i like you, taeyong-ah. more than a friend, is that okay?"_

taeyong lays in his bed, his cold bedsheets sheltering him from the voices that ran around in his head. the horrible, icky, loud voices that yelled his name, the voices that sounded very familiar and a lot like his best friends.

he grew hot and sticky under the covers, but he still refused to unstick himself from the mattress beneath him. there was no point; he couldn't leave, he couldn't go and face him, not after that. not after he left him hanging there like an absolute fool.

_"... taeyong?"_

he knew his parents were home. he knew they were downstairs, had seen their worried and almost pitiful faces as soon as he barged through the front door, making a direct run for his bedroom. he knew they could hear him rustling around, but he didn't particularly care. it was as if his whole body was on numb, as if there were ten thousand lumps buried just below his adams-apple, it was as if the voice that rummaged around in his head, making a home there, was yuta's and he couldn't, god, he couldn't listen to it any longer.

_"taeyong, why did you— do you not like me? is that it?"_

he coughed up a wet and broken cry, his recently washed bedsheets clung to his damp face that was dripping with sweat and tears. he was suffocating, _almost_ , not entirely. he wanted to, god, he wanted to. he wanted his whole bed to open up and swallow him whole.

he loved yuta, he did! he loved him so much, so much it hurts. it wrapped itself around his bones and crept up on him without him even knowing, without any warning. it took him by such surprise that when yuta confessed to him, well... taeyong didn't exactly know what to say, so he bolted from his friend who stood frowning at the school's front gate.

_broken._

he broke yuta.

his slim fingers balled into tiny fists, his heart was hammering in his chest. a voice that began sounding quite similar to that of his friends drifted in and out of taeyong's ears, bounced around on the insides of his brain and knocked against the walls of his skull.

_"taeyong-ah, i like you."_

_"taeyongie, why did you lead me on?"_

taeyong choked on his sobs, hot tears spluttered from his eyes and flowed down in to his mouth, even dripped down against his neck and seeped in through his school shirt.

he never lead yuta on, he never. he wouldn't, he loved yuta, he loved him. just not— not like _that_ . not... no, taeyong wasn't— he wasn't gay. he knew this much, he knew he loved yuta, knew it was more than a friend, but he wasn't in love with him, at least not in a _gay_ way.

he just loved him. _just._

he loved him so. he loved him, and it broke his heart to run away. to turn his back on the only friend he had in a long time, everyone else... well they left him, but yuta didn't. yuta was always there, holding taeyong's school books, ruffling his hair whenever he would clumsily trip over his untied shoe laces, _("you really need to start tying them, yong!"), and_ always making him eat every single thing that his mom had packed in to his lunch box. _alwaysalwaysalways_. always just existing in taeyong's life, and now taeyong had gone and ruined it.

he just lay there helplessly and sobbed, he sobbed for what felt like hours, and at some point, with his hair stuck to his forehead and his legs tangled up in a chaotic mess amongst the duvet, he passed out. from heat, from exhaustion, from too much tears being shed, who knows. his mind wandered with dreams of a happy place where he could be only himself, a place far away, with fairies and gnomes and pretty looking princesses, with _himself_ . only him and the things he cared for. he could be taeyong, lee taeyong. taeyong without any worries, without the burden of people and their misconceived judgments hanging over his head. just _him_ . he would be himself, and nobody could stop him. he would fight dragons and banish witches; he would even hold his best friends hand if he wanted to, because he _could_ . because he would be just lee taeyong, and yuta would be just yuta, and that would be all that mattered. no opinions, just him and yuta. yuta and him. his yuta, his more than a friend: _yuta._

another point in the night, his mom finally came from downstairs to drag the duvet away from his hot face. she wiped away fresh tears that escaped from behind his sleeping eyes. and if by chance she heard taeyong whispering yuta's name in his sleep, begging him not to go while she kissed his damp forehead goodnight... well, that wasn't something she was going to question him about

**Author's Note:**

> hi. i....don’t know. don’t ask. it’s 6am and i’m sleep deprived and this came in to my head and i needed to get it out and it’s probably really bad i mean, it is but you know....anyways !! i hope you enjoyed and if you didn’t well..... have a good day <3


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